1 year, 12 months, 52, weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 526,600 minutes, too many tears to count

I just miss you!  I have thought for 365 that if I can make it to a year that somehow magically everything would be okay. I have told daddy, "just let me make it until (insert today's date) and then I will be okay."  I'm not!  It isn't easier!  It still sucks!  I still need you here and you are not coming back. 

So much has happened!  My friend lost her son, another lost her sister, many have lost loved ones, one sweet friend lost her baby,  but great things have happened and you should be here for them. 

Finley was born. She is the most beautiful baby. She smiles and laughs and everyone that sees her pictures talks about how beautiful she is and I know you would be so in love with her. I guess we would fight over who got to hold her the most. I give her love from you. 

Jacob and Ethan have become true lowcountry boys. They fell in love with Charleston as much as I did. They love Charleston and school. Maybe too much. You would have cried watching Jacob go through The Gauntlet at The Citadel. It was something that no words can describe. 

 

Ethan is doing amazing and is huge!  You would love his arms. They are so big and strong. 

 

Abbey made All-State for basketball!  Ugh!  You loved basketball. You should be here to celebrate this with her. 

 

Your Daisy is okay. She still barks like crazy and runs like a wild woman. I still feel like she is looking for you .

And daddy is doing well. He can cook!  All of those years and he can cook. Good cooking, too. He made homemade cornbread. It was as good as yours. We all miss your mac and cheese, especially Jacob. 

I look for you everywhere.  I find a penny and think it's you. Cardinals show up randomly and I think it's you. The tears still come so often. My heart feels like it might just stop at times from the pain. I should get a Grammy for the performance I put on each day, acting as if I am okay. I am not okay and never will be. They say time will heal and it hasn't!  It has just marched on and left me more bewildered and hurt than ever. There's just so much that I need to ask you and tell you. 

I know you hate this word and never let me say it but...this sucks!  There's no other way (well, without using four letter words) to describe it. 

I miss your face. I love you.

 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 526,600 minutes, too many tears to count

She makes my heart smile again!  

You should be here....

Oh how you would love her....

Finley is here!  

She is beautiful.  She is perfect.  She has our hearts.  I cannot help but think about how much you would love her.  Remember how you and I fought over Matthew?  It would be worse.  Her ears are so tiny.  She has little rosebud lips.  

She is a small glimpse of heaven.  

I will tell her about you.  

I will make sure she knows just how much you love her.  

What's the special occasion?

Today was Father's Day.  I went to church.  It is only the second time I have been to big church in the traditional service since my mama got sick and....well you know.  The first time was when the boys spoke to the church for graduation.  I had my daddy meet us in the balcony, which is where we started sitting a few years ago when we got there right on time so we didn't have to crawl over people to sit with my mama and daddy.

Someone asked me what the special occasion was and when I looked at her confused she said, "Oh y'all only come when there is a special occasion."  Hmmmmmmmm.......I guess she missed seeing me the past 16 years but, that is beside the point.  So, friend, to answer your question, yes, today WAS a special occasion. You see, it was father's day.  It was my daddy's first Father's Day without my mama.  It was my first Father's Day without my mama.  I screwed it all up.  I didn't cook what I should have or what I wanted.  I didn't get all of the gifts wrapped instead of stuffed in gift bags.  Shoot!  I didn't even send in a picture of my daddy and/or Gordon for the Father's Day slideshow.  My mama was the one that always reminded me to do these things and well, you know, she isn't here to remind me.  My mind seems to be other places these days.  I did remember to buy the cards and actually signed them.

Today was a special occasion because I actually went to big church.  It was hard.  I do not like it at all.  I miss my mama.  When I go to church, it is where I miss my mama the second most.  I miss her the most at her house but the church runs a close second.  I always look over the railing of the balcony to try and get her attention to wave at her.  I still look.  She isn't there to look back and wave.  While I am in church I see the precious people that came and held us up while my mama was sick.  I see the pastor and his wife that jumped in the car and drove all the way to Charleston late in the afternoon just to love on us.  I see him preaching at my mama's home going service.  I see her friends that came all the way to Charleston to love on us.  I see the senior minister that came and also preached at her home going.  I hear the precious friend that sang for my mom's service.  She chose the songs because I was just too upset to figure it out.  I see my mama everywhere.  When we are singing, I can hear her singing.  She had a beautiful voice.  I hear her playing the piano and I see her hands.  Her sweet hands.  Today, I wish I had x-ray vision to see under the carpet where she wrote scripture on the floor for all of us when the sanctuary was being remodeled.  It was a special occasion.

I am not like Job.  I wish I had been and I wish I could be.  I was mad!  I was sad!  I was helpless. I knew in my heart that my sweet savior would carry me through (as he is doing) but my head has many other issues. Someone told me that it was okay to be mad because our God is big enough to handle my mad.

The fact that I got up and got dressed to come to big church was a special occasion.

The fact that I made it up those steps and looked over the balcony to my mama's seat was a special occasion.

The fact that I sang almost an entire song without bursting into tears was a special occasion.

The fact that I didn't run from the service screaming was a special occasion.

I guess I was wrong when I told you NO because today was a special occasion.

I got up!

Through the Fire

The best way to describe how I feel is what I think being set on fire would feel like. My nerves are raw. My skin is raw. My heart is raw. My emotions are raw. This was not supposed to happen. I keep wondering when I will come out of the fire. 

I went back to work and have held it together for the most part. I have gotten good at pretending. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend that my mama is still here. I pretend...  A student was talking about something this week and I said, "Oh my mama and daddy have one of those."  Yep!  Pretending is good. Not many people know this but, when my parents went on vacation, I would cry when I talked to her on the phone. I wanted her near. It wasn't as bad when they were just at the beach but it was horrible if they were far away. 

I want her to come back. I keep asking God and her to come back. I don't want her to suffer or be sick. I just want her here with me. I have gotten good at holding it in all day and then crying myself to sleep at night. I pray and beg God to send her back knowing that she cannot come back. 

I feel as if I am going to shatter into dust. As if I was burned to a crisp. This song keeps coming to me. I remember when a friend at church sang it during a trying time in her life. 

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
and the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered victories without fighting but
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision
and the adversary says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (YES)
and He will take you through the fire again

Pray for us!  

Love,

Jenn

Mama....

I thank my God every time I remember you.

~Philippians 1:3

It's the little things...

We made it through the most horrible day and survived.  I have a feeling that the most horrible days haven't even happened yet.  I cannot stop thinking or quiet my mind.  I cannot wrap my head around the thought of never hearing her voice again.  There are so many things that I need to know.  I panicked yesterday at the thought of not having her recipe for dressing.  The thought of never eating her cooking again literally makes me sick.

If I lay in my bed facing the window of my bedroom, I am looking towards where my mama is buried.  She is facing me.  I lay there and in my mind beg her to come back.  I know she never will but..... At times I feel so selfish because I know of other people that lost their mama at very young ages.  I am grateful that I had her 44 years.  I am selfish also and just want her here with me.  It was not supposed to turn out this way.

We are broken.  I am mad.  Someone told me that it was okay to be mad because our God is big enough to handle it.  I know He is and I continue to cry out to him.  I beg him for peace and understanding.  I thank him for having her and for the lessons that she taught me.  I thank him for not letting her suffer any longer than she did.  I told daddy last night that we didn't realize just how sick she was because she was not a complainer.  She didn't tell us much because she didn't want us to worry.  I was looking back through our texts and when some evil people came after my family this year, she texted me and said, "God has this, just turn it over to Him!"  She was so wise!  I know this in my head yet, my heart physically aches.  It is broken and nothing will ever heal it.  

To simply say thank you doesn't seem like enough for all that everyone has done for us.  THANK YOU!  We are humbled at the generosity and gifts that we have received.  Those gifts include phone calls, texts, emails, prayers, visits, errands, etc....  Please know that we could never possibly thank you enough and we are truly grateful.

The family and friends that stopped what they were doing and came to love on us.  I am so thankful for "my persons" that have held me up and been there.  At the graveyard, they surrounded me while my mom was buried.  They may not have physically held me up but their love surrounded me and I will never forget the feeling.  It was almost tangible. A force that nothing could penetrate. To "my persons," in the worst days of my life, you were there.  You were by my side lifting me up at my weakest.

 It is just love...God's love.  My friends were God that day.  The family that came and visited were God's love.  People that I was friends with in elementary school, junior high school, high school, college and adult life came and they were God's love.  They drove from Flat Rock!  One had just buried her sweet mommy a few weeks before and came to show God's love.  My students showed up to love on us.  Wow!  Again, I am humbled.

Please keep the prayers coming.  I know we will have dark days ahead.  I am so grateful that I believe in a God that sent his son to earth so that I could spend eternity with my mama.  I imagine what is going on in heaven often.  Mama lost her daddy when she was 16.  Can you imagine the reunion?  Her mama, her aunts and uncles and cousins that went before her.  I am 100% positive that my Nannie Broome squealed with delight and kissed mama's face.

I thank my God every time I remember you.

~Philippians 1:3

Love,
Jenn