Someone asked me what the special occasion was and when I looked at her confused she said, "Oh y'all only come when there is a special occasion." Hmmmmmmmm.......I guess she missed seeing me the past 16 years but, that is beside the point. So, friend, to answer your question, yes, today WAS a special occasion. You see, it was father's day. It was my daddy's first Father's Day without my mama. It was my first Father's Day without my mama. I screwed it all up. I didn't cook what I should have or what I wanted. I didn't get all of the gifts wrapped instead of stuffed in gift bags. Shoot! I didn't even send in a picture of my daddy and/or Gordon for the Father's Day slideshow. My mama was the one that always reminded me to do these things and well, you know, she isn't here to remind me. My mind seems to be other places these days. I did remember to buy the cards and actually signed them.
Today was a special occasion because I actually went to big church. It was hard. I do not like it at all. I miss my mama. When I go to church, it is where I miss my mama the second most. I miss her the most at her house but the church runs a close second. I always look over the railing of the balcony to try and get her attention to wave at her. I still look. She isn't there to look back and wave. While I am in church I see the precious people that came and held us up while my mama was sick. I see the pastor and his wife that jumped in the car and drove all the way to Charleston late in the afternoon just to love on us. I see him preaching at my mama's home going service. I see her friends that came all the way to Charleston to love on us. I see the senior minister that came and also preached at her home going. I hear the precious friend that sang for my mom's service. She chose the songs because I was just too upset to figure it out. I see my mama everywhere. When we are singing, I can hear her singing. She had a beautiful voice. I hear her playing the piano and I see her hands. Her sweet hands. Today, I wish I had x-ray vision to see under the carpet where she wrote scripture on the floor for all of us when the sanctuary was being remodeled. It was a special occasion.
I am not like Job. I wish I had been and I wish I could be. I was mad! I was sad! I was helpless. I knew in my heart that my sweet savior would carry me through (as he is doing) but my head has many other issues. Someone told me that it was okay to be mad because our God is big enough to handle my mad.
The fact that I got up and got dressed to come to big church was a special occasion.
The fact that I made it up those steps and looked over the balcony to my mama's seat was a special occasion.
The fact that I sang almost an entire song without bursting into tears was a special occasion.
The fact that I didn't run from the service screaming was a special occasion.
I guess I was wrong when I told you NO because today was a special occasion.
I got up!
