Through the Fire

The best way to describe how I feel is what I think being set on fire would feel like. My nerves are raw. My skin is raw. My heart is raw. My emotions are raw. This was not supposed to happen. I keep wondering when I will come out of the fire. 

I went back to work and have held it together for the most part. I have gotten good at pretending. I pretend everything is okay. I pretend that my mama is still here. I pretend...  A student was talking about something this week and I said, "Oh my mama and daddy have one of those."  Yep!  Pretending is good. Not many people know this but, when my parents went on vacation, I would cry when I talked to her on the phone. I wanted her near. It wasn't as bad when they were just at the beach but it was horrible if they were far away. 

I want her to come back. I keep asking God and her to come back. I don't want her to suffer or be sick. I just want her here with me. I have gotten good at holding it in all day and then crying myself to sleep at night. I pray and beg God to send her back knowing that she cannot come back. 

I feel as if I am going to shatter into dust. As if I was burned to a crisp. This song keeps coming to me. I remember when a friend at church sang it during a trying time in her life. 

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
and the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered victories without fighting but
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision
and the adversary says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (YES)
and He will take you through the fire again

Pray for us!  

Love,

Jenn

Mama....

I thank my God every time I remember you.

~Philippians 1:3

It's the little things...

We made it through the most horrible day and survived.  I have a feeling that the most horrible days haven't even happened yet.  I cannot stop thinking or quiet my mind.  I cannot wrap my head around the thought of never hearing her voice again.  There are so many things that I need to know.  I panicked yesterday at the thought of not having her recipe for dressing.  The thought of never eating her cooking again literally makes me sick.

If I lay in my bed facing the window of my bedroom, I am looking towards where my mama is buried.  She is facing me.  I lay there and in my mind beg her to come back.  I know she never will but..... At times I feel so selfish because I know of other people that lost their mama at very young ages.  I am grateful that I had her 44 years.  I am selfish also and just want her here with me.  It was not supposed to turn out this way.

We are broken.  I am mad.  Someone told me that it was okay to be mad because our God is big enough to handle it.  I know He is and I continue to cry out to him.  I beg him for peace and understanding.  I thank him for having her and for the lessons that she taught me.  I thank him for not letting her suffer any longer than she did.  I told daddy last night that we didn't realize just how sick she was because she was not a complainer.  She didn't tell us much because she didn't want us to worry.  I was looking back through our texts and when some evil people came after my family this year, she texted me and said, "God has this, just turn it over to Him!"  She was so wise!  I know this in my head yet, my heart physically aches.  It is broken and nothing will ever heal it.  

To simply say thank you doesn't seem like enough for all that everyone has done for us.  THANK YOU!  We are humbled at the generosity and gifts that we have received.  Those gifts include phone calls, texts, emails, prayers, visits, errands, etc....  Please know that we could never possibly thank you enough and we are truly grateful.

The family and friends that stopped what they were doing and came to love on us.  I am so thankful for "my persons" that have held me up and been there.  At the graveyard, they surrounded me while my mom was buried.  They may not have physically held me up but their love surrounded me and I will never forget the feeling.  It was almost tangible. A force that nothing could penetrate. To "my persons," in the worst days of my life, you were there.  You were by my side lifting me up at my weakest.

 It is just love...God's love.  My friends were God that day.  The family that came and visited were God's love.  People that I was friends with in elementary school, junior high school, high school, college and adult life came and they were God's love.  They drove from Flat Rock!  One had just buried her sweet mommy a few weeks before and came to show God's love.  My students showed up to love on us.  Wow!  Again, I am humbled.

Please keep the prayers coming.  I know we will have dark days ahead.  I am so grateful that I believe in a God that sent his son to earth so that I could spend eternity with my mama.  I imagine what is going on in heaven often.  Mama lost her daddy when she was 16.  Can you imagine the reunion?  Her mama, her aunts and uncles and cousins that went before her.  I am 100% positive that my Nannie Broome squealed with delight and kissed mama's face.

I thank my God every time I remember you.

~Philippians 1:3

Love,
Jenn

The most horrible day of my life!

It is with the saddest and heaviest of hearts that I have to tell you that my precious mama went to be with her Lord and Savior tonight.  I was there holding her hand. What a gift!  There are no words....

Our hearts are absolutely broken and yet because God sent his son to die on that cross and because of that particular FRIDAY, I get to see her sweet face again.

She entered the gates of heaven at 11:31 tonight.  She has seen the most beautiful sights.  Things that we cannot even fathom.  Things that we cannot even begin to imagine.  She lost her daddy when she was 16.  She has seen his face again.  She lost her mama a few years ago and she has seen her again.  Her beloved mother-in-law, my Nannie Broome, I am sure was standing there waiting for her.  And, she has seen Jesus. She has touched his sweet hands.

I am not going to lie.  I would have her come back.  So many have told me that she would not come back but I just think she would want to be with me and see my children grow up.  She loved her grandbabies.  She loved me and Jason.  She loved my daddy.  She loved her sister.  She loved her brother.  She loved her neighbors.  She loved her co-workers.  She loved her friends.  She loved her best friend Patsy.  And, she loved Daisy.  That crazy lab, DAISY!  She loved reading Dorothea Benton Frank novels.  Actually, she loved anything that I read and would eagerly wait until I was finished to read our books.  She taught me to love reading.  She taught me to write.  She was an amazing writer.  She taught me so much, yet I am not ready for her to be gone because I still have so much to learn.  I never learned how to make her homemade banana pudding.  I am not talking about the stuff you whip together with instant pudding.  She cooked hers.  I never learned how to make her dressing.  This past Thanksgiving I asked her if she had any left and if she did would she save me a piece.  Of course, she didn't and when I returned home from Edisto, I had an entire pan to myself.  She made me some homemade bbq a few weeks ago.  I called to tell her that it was better than ANY bbq in a store/restaurant and she told me how to make it but I didn't write it down.

I just want to go to Belk's with her tomorrow.  Saturday was our shopping day.  More times than not, we would come home empty handed and I would say, "Well, that wasn't worth the trip up there was it?"
 and she would reply, "No it wasn't!"  We both knew that we weren't there to spend money.  We were just hanging out because that is what we did.  There have not been too many Saturday's in my lifetime that she and I weren't out "scooter pootin'" around.

She was a wonderful mama.  She always put everyone....and I do mean everyone before herself.

The next few days, weeks, months and what I imagine years, are going to be miserable and lonely.  The ONE person that was always there when I needed just one person to be on my side, will not be on the other end of the phone.  I cannot imagine ever not being sad again.  People keep telling me that I will be happy again one day.  I cannot imagine it at the moment.  I cannot imagine!  I just cannot imagine because she was such a big part of our lives.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  My sweet daddy lost his sweetheart tonight. Jason and I lost our mama, my children, nephew and niece lost their Mamie, her siblings lost their sister and I lost my best friend.

Little did we know.

Love, 

Jenn

  

Happy 50th Anniversary

We had visitors from 7:45am until 9:45pm so, we were loved on all day. It was such a blessing. Mama is doing okay. She mumbled I love you when I told her yesterday. She was also blinking her eyes which is what someone in the hospital told her to do. I am still praying for a miracle. I pray she will be healed this side of heaven. Her face is probably raw because daddy and I don't let too many minutes pass without kissing her. 

Daddy met mama 53 years ago this past Sunday night. His friend, Wilford, took him with him up to see his cousin and the rest is history. Their 50th wedding anniversary is April 16th so we celebrated. When Jason arrives we will celebrate again. 

Please pray for my daddy. He went home to shower and when he came back he said that it felt funny going into the house without her. 😢

Thank you for the messages, texts, calls and visits. 

Love,

Jenn

Miracles and blessings

We brought mama home to the Regional Hospice House today. We had so many precious friends and family show up and love on us tonight. I am still hoping for a miracle and praying for a miracle. I am really trying to see the blessings all around me. It is hard to see through all of the sadness and hopelessness....yet I will lift my eyes to Jesus and know that he will take care of me. Many have sent messages, texts, calls, etc....we love you.  I have so many emotions and honestly, I am mad. I am sorry but I am mad at the world. I have screamed and cried and even told Gordon a few minutes ago that I haven't even learned to cook yet because my mama cooks. If I do try to cook, I always have to call my mama. On the way home tonight, I picked up the phone to call her. I have spoken with my mama every single day of my life.  It's what we do. We talk on the phone and shop. She did all of the kids scrapbooks. Who is going to do them for the boys graduation?  Ugh!  I just need her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Heck!  I need her to laugh with me about The Bachelor!  

This Regional Hospice House is beautiful and peaceful. The reason I chose this place is because of mama. When Jacob was in the 3rd grade, he didn't want to play travel basketball. We were playing for the Forest City Heat and she told him that was fine but he was going to do something productive. So, the two of them raised several thousand dollars in donations and new bedding for every room. The picture below is of her and Jacob when they presented it to the board and were interviewed by the Herald-Journal. 

Please continue to send those prayers up on our behalf. 

Love,

Jenn

She's going home!

I started this blog to keep track of this great odyssey that we were going on and be able to look back and see how far mama came after a new liver.

The doctors came in today and told us that there is nothing else that can be done. Mamas kidneys have shut down and she is too sick to get dialysis. With the kidneys failing, the liver transplant is not an option. So, the palliative care doctor is helping mama be comfortable and in no more pain. We are coming home to the hospice house and were told we only have days. We are broken hearted and crushed but also assured that we will see her again once she passes. Our God is still the great physician and I am still praying that he will take all of this away. We will praise him if he does and praise him if he decides to heal her in heaven. 

Please continue to pray for our family. 

Love,

Jenn

Calling all prayer warriors!

I am back in Charleston and mama is not good.  Her kidneys are shutting down.  The doctor came in and is going to bring in Pallative care.  Please flood the gates of heaven on behalf of our mama.  Pray her kidneys start working.  We will NOT give up!  Our precious Lord and Savior is a miracle worker and performs miracles every single day!  I beg him to show out and heal my mama.  She is still sleeping.  I kept trying to get her to wake up and she finally groaned and I asked her if I was getting on her nerves and she responded with what sounded like a mmmmmhmmmmm!  I will continue to get on her nerves.  I need her here!  WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!  I am begging her to fight.  We all need her here.  PRAY PLEASE! 

Just Be Held

HAPPY SPRING BREAK!  

Although this is not the spring break that I had planned for my family (the last one with the boys and Abbey), it is well.  It will be well.

I hoped to bring some amazing news today.  Mama is still sleeping.  They are possibly going to give her some blood today to see if she will wake up.  I am heading back down there today or tomorrow.  My back went haywire yesterday for some reason...most likely stress.  I am trying to get all of the clothes washed so that my boys will not have to do it while I am gone.

I am so lost.  I keep thinking that this is a dream and I will wake up.  Yet, I think of everything LIVER in my dreams.  I constantly wake up thinking about what we need to do to get mama to wake up.  My daddy hasn't left her at all.  Jason finally made him walk out of the hospital one morning to get breakfast.  He wasn't gone long.

Two people sent this song to me this week.  It is so appropriate.

"When you are on your knees and answers seem to far away,

You're not alone Stop holding on and JUST BE HELD..."

"Your world's not falling apart

it's falling into place..."

Right now it is hard to see past this brokenness inside of me.  I keep begging God to make her better.  I keep apologizing for anything that I have done to deserve this and blaming myself for everything.  I know in my heart that my God does not hurt his children like this but my head is saying something completely different.  I go from being totally sad and having to concentrate on breathing to being mad at the world! Then, something makes me laugh and the cycle starts over again because I let myself laugh for a moment and then I remember that my mama is laying asleep in a hospital bed 200 miles away.  Sad, Mad, Happy, Sad, Mad, Happy!  UGH!

"Come to me 

Find your rest

in the arms 

of the God

that won't let go..."

Please continue to pray for mama and for daddy.  He is putting on a brave face, but I know his heart is hurting.  Their 50th wedding anniversary is April 16th.

Also pray for the family of Barbara Pruitt -- this is Mitzi Thorne and Kristen Taylor's mama who went HOME on Wednesday.  Additionally, continue to pray for the unspoken prayer request.  Remember, to JUST BE HELD!

Love,
Jenn