If I lay in my bed facing the window of my bedroom, I am looking towards where my mama is buried. She is facing me. I lay there and in my mind beg her to come back. I know she never will but..... At times I feel so selfish because I know of other people that lost their mama at very young ages. I am grateful that I had her 44 years. I am selfish also and just want her here with me. It was not supposed to turn out this way.
We are broken. I am mad. Someone told me that it was okay to be mad because our God is big enough to handle it. I know He is and I continue to cry out to him. I beg him for peace and understanding. I thank him for having her and for the lessons that she taught me. I thank him for not letting her suffer any longer than she did. I told daddy last night that we didn't realize just how sick she was because she was not a complainer. She didn't tell us much because she didn't want us to worry. I was looking back through our texts and when some evil people came after my family this year, she texted me and said, "God has this, just turn it over to Him!" She was so wise! I know this in my head yet, my heart physically aches. It is broken and nothing will ever heal it.
To simply say thank you doesn't seem like enough for all that everyone has done for us. THANK YOU! We are humbled at the generosity and gifts that we have received. Those gifts include phone calls, texts, emails, prayers, visits, errands, etc.... Please know that we could never possibly thank you enough and we are truly grateful.
The family and friends that stopped what they were doing and came to love on us. I am so thankful for "my persons" that have held me up and been there. At the graveyard, they surrounded me while my mom was buried. They may not have physically held me up but their love surrounded me and I will never forget the feeling. It was almost tangible. A force that nothing could penetrate. To "my persons," in the worst days of my life, you were there. You were by my side lifting me up at my weakest.
It is just love...God's love. My friends were God that day. The family that came and visited were God's love. People that I was friends with in elementary school, junior high school, high school, college and adult life came and they were God's love. They drove from Flat Rock! One had just buried her sweet mommy a few weeks before and came to show God's love. My students showed up to love on us. Wow! Again, I am humbled.
Please keep the prayers coming. I know we will have dark days ahead. I am so grateful that I believe in a God that sent his son to earth so that I could spend eternity with my mama. I imagine what is going on in heaven often. Mama lost her daddy when she was 16. Can you imagine the reunion? Her mama, her aunts and uncles and cousins that went before her. I am 100% positive that my Nannie Broome squealed with delight and kissed mama's face.
I thank my God every time I remember you.
~Philippians 1:3
Love,
Jenn
Jennifer, I thank you for writing this blog and letting me share in your journey. When I said goodbye (for now) to my Dad last June, so many feelings came that I had never felt before. I am so very sad for you to now have felt many of the same feelings. It is something you don't understand until you walk it personally. I am grateful for you to have had the chance to talk with your mom off and on the last few days of her life. My Dad had a heart attack on June 10 and died on June 27. AFter slipping into a coma on June 11 he never woke up. I am so very thankful that even through it all you have been able to look for the blessings and think of the splendor your Mom is experiencing in heaven. I have been and will continue praying for you, your Dad, and the family. Love in Christ, Kim Brooks
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